Defining Characteristics of People You’ll See On the Train this Weekend
The influx of suburban Chads is indefinite. Naperville produces their best and brightest for four-days of Lollapalooza, and this year won’t fail to deliver. Jam packing the blue line with water bottles full of vodka, teenagers make their way to Grant Park hoping to catch whatever band they can make their friends feel bad for not knowing. They’re loud, they’re young, and they’re ready to go in to the weekend with the mindset that they will never die. Here’s what to look for if you happen to be in downtown Chicago these next few days:
The Water Bottle
The water bottle. A trophy they carry like King Arthur’s Sword in the Stone. Naturally, this is filled with anything but water. Vodka. Rum. A weird hybrid of Vodka, Rum, and Gatorade. Whatever disgusting ingredients this horribly concocted martini contains, half of its contents will be chased down from 95th to Howard, with no regard for the rest of the day. Pacing is not a thing for people under age. They drink as if there’s no tomorrow.
Snapbacks
Woah boy, are there snapbacks. If it’s not snapbacks, it’s bandanas. Regardless, the unintentional unity is what sets this group apart from everyone else. White dudes huddled on the CTA platform look like a glitch in the Matrix. Considering they’re one degree away from being the same person, it’s no surprise they love the same hat with the long, adjustable strap. When there’s no space for you to sit on public transit, you’ll be able to see how deadly they are assembled. Twenty to thirty high schoolers standing around talking about how messed up they’re going to get this weekend? Sounds like a treat.
Basketball Jerseys
Traditionally, the men wear jerseys and the women wear crop tops. An unspoken rule written in stone some thousand years ago, the proper attire for a four day, outdoor, hot as fuck festival, is less clothes. This is understandable, and would make more sense if paired with sunscreen, but the only person to have brought sunscreen will be conveniently blacked out before making it to Grant Park. It’s a fashion show as much as it is a music festival, people. Maybe mom doesn’t understand, but you, a stranger on the train, better be ready to see some cheeks.
Barely Functioning Teenagers
This is the number one thing to look out for this weekend. A group of teenagers who are kicking back, relaxing, and make everyone around them as miserable as humanly possible. People are constantly concerned. “Are you okay?” They’ll repeatedly ask the young woman, the light of day quickly slipping from her eyes. Her friends will assure you they’re fine and, by God’s good grace, somehow they are. Random spurts of energy will pulse like lightening in their veins the closer they get to the venue. The minute the train doors open, they’ll fly to the check in tent as if they weren’t barely hanging on moments prior. You’ll watch them exit. You, yourself, old. Wondering the entire time, “how?”
