The Definitive List of Reasons Why Jesus Is Daddy

Today is Easter and millions have assembled to celebrate the arrival of one Jesus Daddy Christ. Though organized religion has brought a relentless stream of war and pain, it has also brought Jesus Christ to the forefront of conversation, a man who’s only existence seems to be thirst trapping elderly women in to nunnery. For the re-birth of our savior, a list. Of all the definitive reasons Jesus is Daddy.

1. That Hair

Damn. Have you ever seen hair that luscious? He’s like a sexier Alanis Morisette when she’s walking naked down the street in Thank You. I’d like to twirl those dang curls in my fingers and tell him all my secrets in the early dawn. Mmph.

2. His Attire

Wow, that is one dapper dude. His robes are always fly. Pictured in silk white and red sashes, he puts the fashion world to shame. He shut down the game when he invented sandals.

3. His Personality

If you’re a dude who ignores me, consider yourself the kind of dude I’m pinning for. Jesus doesn’t give a shit about the fact every girl wants to bone him. He’s a man of respect. Integrity. He’s got to organize and lead his cult with only the best intentions in mind. No time for ladies and hunnies.

4. He’s got a lot of friends

Uh oh! Looks like we’ve got a popular fella on our hands. Jesus managed to maintain 12 friends late in to his thirties which honestly, is a miracle in itself. I’m hoping when Daddy Christ beseeches his holy cum on to me, he also lends me a couple of his friends to joke around with. Especially Judas. I love anyone who’s two faced.

5. He’s everywhere

If you’re laying in a park at 2 A.M. crying with a bag of Taco Bell in your hand, Jesus can teleport to you and take you home. But, again, don’t be too eager because he’ll probably be attending to a thousand other nuns first. Daddy has to prioritize which baby gets cummies.

6. He, himself, has two dads

By transitive property, Jesus has absorbed the title of Daddy by the two Daddy’s who came before him. Joseph and God were, in their own ways, outstanding men worthy of holding the title. Joseph was a carpenter so you know his carpet matched the drapes. God, on the other hand, is just sort of an amorphous blob so he can shape shift to be literally any dude you find hot. Chris Pine. Michael B Jordan. Malcolm Gladwell. The possibilities are endless.

7. His rock hard abs

Wow. Have you ever seen better washboard abs? I haven’t. Jesus Daddy Christ has a strong set of six pack abs. I’d like to marinate ribs on those abs. I’d like to raise a family on those abs. I’d like to share all my greatest fears and desires with those abs. I’d like to order a 12 inch pizza from Pizza Hut and dip the slices in to the crevices on those abs. I’d like to rent out an Airbnb somewhere outside Lake Michigan on those abs. Just thinking about those abs makes me thirsty. Thirsty for Daddy.

There you have it. Seven reasons for the seven days of rest. Looks like Jesus isn’t the only one who’s risen. I have too. My dick. I’m talking about my dick. Metaphorically, I’m hard for Jesus Christ. Do you get it? I’d like to have sex with Jesus Christ. Thank you.