The Tiers of Straights As Told By A Gay

“Straight,” otherwise known as a concept I’ll never try.

Jean Jacket Straights

The ones who are gayer than they think they are. They listen to good music and, surprisingly, know more queer movies than you. They’re dating a guy who is their best friend and might also be a jean jacket straight. They’re really cool and you’ll probably fall in love with them, only to find out they ghost you to date six different types of guy.

Influencer Straights

Decked head to toe in Fifa tennis outfits paired with Coach shoes. The preppy girl you were attracted to in high school because you loved her but also feared her. Has a necklace with her name on it and insists on wearing XXL sweatshirts. Will be cancelled for her tweets.

Anarchist Straights

Anarchist Straights want to see the world burn. They must likely have an insanely cool haircut, tattooed arms, and are often confused as lesbians before their big biker boyfriend comes over and slings his arm around their shoulder at a bar as they both smash a 40 and you realize oh God, this is the straight couple I want to be friends with.

Insufferable Straights

Musicals and online shopping are their entire personality. Gets offended when people make fun of them and insists they, as a heterosexual, are just as oppressed as gay people. A little too obsessed with 90’s culture and never truly understands why making out with their female friends at parties is queer baiting.

Athletic Straights

The bodybuilder couple that makes exercising Tiktoks together. The girl whose Instagram you scroll through at night and comment thirsty emoji’s on while bookmarking her sexy athleisure posts. Athletic Straights would absolutely destroy you if given the chance and wouldn’t think twice about it.

Essential Oils Straight

On some hippie bullshit and not in the cool way. In a long term relationship or has remained single for a while and not by choice. Obsessed with Yoga, Kombucha, and, you guessed it, Essential Oils. Posts a lot on social media despite saying social media is bad for our brains. Always on Instagram Live.

Christian Straights

Saving themselves for God and/or their high school boyfriend. Pretty clear.