Why I Would Unapologetically Fuck the Grinch

The Grinch is sexy. There’s no getting around the objective truth facing us all square on. The Grinch. is. Sexy. A nonpartisan issue, that is not black and white, gay or straight. One month out of the year, we celebrate an icon with a short lived shelf life and a long lengthened staff. To capture our collective feelings towards this tall Sex God, I have compiled a thorough list on why I would like to pipe the Grinch.

1. He has a dark history. I could fix him.
2. To put in the words of my friend Gray: “he really throws his ass around”
3. His nihilistic outlook on consumption is refreshing and hard to find under this capitalist society
4. He stole Christmas. I have shoplifted since I was fourteen. Some consider it a match made in heaven.
5. He’s hairy, he can keep you warm at night.
6. He’s got a deep voice. Would sound incredible on a podcast.
7. Though I do not buy into gender stereotypes, his rugged demeanor and masculine features make me feel as if he would protect me at all costs and for that, I am willing to give it up every night he asks for it.
8. If you fuck him you get to hangout with Max all day, the cutest dog.
9. He’s body positive.
10. He has a fucking zip line in his cave. He’s an architect from another world who’s intellect and god like strength cannot be matched on this Earth.
11. He believes in Black Lives Matter
12. He stages a one man coup on Whoville democracy proving he is the socialist leader we all need. Why must people live in squalor? The Grinch answers this question by providing a feast for all the civilians of Whoville. Mayor Augustus Maywho would never.
13. He’s green. That’s my favorite color.
14. Martha May Whovier has a crush on him. She is the hottest woman in Whoville and if she is attracted to him, I must be attracted to him. (Potential threesome?)
15. He’s interested in all the things I am interested in. We can bond over mutual hobbies like self loathing.
16. His long fingers could reach your (G)od spot

Comments section is turned on for anyone wishing to flesh out or add insight into why the Grinch not only Stole Christmas, but also could, and should, steal this hole.